


Hydrangeas

by Buttercup_ghost



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Angst, Canonical Child Abuse, Character Study, Child Abuse, Child Neglect, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Gender Issues, Kalluto-centric, Misgendering, Non binary kalluto, Non-binary character, Trans Character, Trans Female Character, i love them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-14
Updated: 2017-10-14
Packaged: 2019-01-04 00:48:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 804
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12158178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Buttercup_ghost/pseuds/Buttercup_ghost
Summary: Hydrangeahīˈdrānjə/noun1.a shrub or climbing plant with rounded or flattened flowering heads of small florets, the outer ones of which are typically infertile.Roots; Hydor, meaning water, and angos, meaning jar or vesselTranslation: "water holder".(Sometimes they felt like they were still drowning.)





	Hydrangeas

**Author's Note:**

> I love flower symbolism?? Possibly to much. There are other meanings of hydrangeas, which really fit Kalkutta character I think, such as graditude and frigidness. There's a lot of mixed meanings about hydrangeas and u can read more bout it here: http://www.flowermeaning.com/hydrangea-flower-meaning/

When they are four, mother takes them by the hand, gentle, before shoving them down into the water below them. They don't understand, they fight and squirm and try not to scream, lest water replace the burning air in their lungs. They can't breathe.

It happens many times after, mothers cool eyes watching them, demanding they come back up for air, fight her grip, and stand.

Eventrually, they do.

(They have to, after all.)

 

 

 

 

Alluka looks at them in a way that makes them sick. She is no bark, no bite, smiles lacing her face as if it is the most natural thing in the world. They are jealous, perhaps, their face forever blank. They don't understand, really, why everyone calls her a boy, why everyone flinches from her, why everyone seems so _scared_. Alluka is nice, maybe. They're not really good at telling, but they think she is. Killua spoils her; prefering her smiles and cheer to their mechanical features, mechanical personality. They ask mother, once, why she kept saying alluka was a boy, and she scoffed.

"Mother, they said they're a girl." Another scoff, "Don't listen to what he says, darling. He doesn't know what he's talking about. You are both my beautiful boys." They're not sure why uncomfortableness settles in their chest like a knot, at that.

(They don't ask her again.)

 

 

 

  
The next time they see alluka, the _last_ time they see alluka, they accuse her of lying her about being a girl, when mom said they were not, betrayal creeping into their voice before allukas head shakes, her voice coming out like a melody.

"Mom doesn't believe me, but it's true," she says, "I'm not a boy, I'm a girl! Its just the facts; it feels better."

"Feels... better?" They ask, unease and suspicion settling in their chest, but not towards her, never towards her.

"Yeah! Like, this is me, this is what I am, I'm a girl. It just feels, I don't know, right?"

They don't understand, really, but they nod, because on some level they do, one some level they understand _so_ _so_ _much_. Their voice is hesitant, cracking uncharacteristicly.

"What happens when neither boy or girl feels right?"

Alluka ponders this, for a moment.

"Dunno. Maybe killua knows though, he's very knowledgeable!"

Their stomache turns uneasy, at that, remembering the look in killua eyes whenever he saw them—caution, unlike when he was with alluka, a look in his eyes that said he was on edge around them, his own sibling, that he didn't trust them—but they nod all they same.

They don't go to see killua.

(Maybe they're scared.)

 

 

 

They don't see alluka for years afterwards, her crying voice echoing from the basement.

(Killua doesn't smile anymore.)

 

 

 

 

He runs away.

They're there when it happens, glued to mothers side; a duckling. He gets the drop on her, on them, moms eyes bleeding out as she screeches, as she laughs. They are frozen, as killuas eyes lock onto theirs.

"Don't come looking for me." Is all he says, and their words are trapped in their throat. Theyre not sure if they want to pled with him to stay, pled with him to not leave them, tell him that he's the only one that used to play with them, paper dolls and allukas smile, tell him they miss that. Tell him they miss _him_.

All that comes out is a choked, "I won't."

(Theyre not sure if they mean it.)

 

 

It is boring, _lonely_ , without him. There is nothing to do but follow mom. All she does is talk about him, making bitterness coil in their stomach. They miss him.

(They miss happiness.)

 

 

If illumi is a doll, they are a robot. The only one who takes stalk of their presence is mother, really. Even that vanishes, everyone focused on killua, finding him, making him stay, tying him down. Even when he's not here, everyone's eyes are on him. They almost miss the times when their mother would drown them; at least then they were noticed.

(Sometimes, they feel like they're still drowning.)

 

 

 

Illumi gets him back, and they go see him. He is chained up, smiling despite his wounds, a mouthful of blood, and they are sick. They do not go to see him after that, instead clinging to a mother they know deep down doesn't love them.

(When they see he made friends, they don't know what to feel.)

 

 

He leaves again, and this time everyone just lets him go. Morn is wailing again, not sparing them a second glance. They don't know if they matter to their family, anymore, doesn't even know if they matter to themself. Theyre not sure they ever did.

He slips through their fingers like water.

(They break their promise and join the spiders.)

(No one notices they're gone.)

 

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't finished hxh tbh but I had to write this I love them


End file.
